Interesting

I don’t think it’s really him, but still pretty funny.

Patrons were outraged when Jasper T. Jowls, guitarist and vocalist for the Chuck E. Cheese’s Studio C band, went rogue and played “Stairway to Heaven” instead of “Happy Birthday” at a six year-old’s birthday party.

John Doney

Denton, Texas – Chuck E. Cheese’s was a scene of mayhem on Saturday afternoon around 3 P.M., as screaming and crying children, belligerent parents, and a “diva”-like Jowls found themselves in fisticuffs and had harsh words for each other, including other members of the Studio C band.

Randy Newman, the parent of the six year old whose birthday party was supposed to be a time of celebration and clean family fun, found himself at the center of the debacle after requesting the band to play “Happy Birthday” for his son, Chad.

Instead, guitarist Jasper T. Jowls yelled obscenities at Newman and the crowd of about two dozen children and parents, complaining of “a lack of artistic free will in this corporate shitbag of a place.”

Fellow vocalist and band leader Chuck E. Cheese quickly apologized to the families in the audience, and even tried to calm Jowls down so they could finish the show.  Jowls, who Cheese claims “may have been drinking or taking pills”, kicked over a stage prop and roused the other members of the band to join him in playing “Stairway To Heaven”, which the other members reluctantly agreed to.

Jowls got back on stage and took the microphone away from the apologetic Chuck E. Cheese and exclaimed, “Fuck the bullshit.  ‘Happy Birthday’ isn’t music.  The rest of the set list these crooks put together for us to play to pander to the lowest of the low in musical taste is tripe.  Shit.  Pure garbage.  I’m a straight up musician.  I studied classical guitar for twelve years, and I know what I’m doing here.  Don’t tell me what to do.  I don’t fucking take requests.  You came here to see the fucking Studio C band rock the fucking house, and that’s exactly what you’re going to get.  So here’s some fucking Led for you little assholes.”

Helen Henny – the band’s vocalist, Mr. Munch the keyboardist, and Pasqually – a singing pizza chef and learned accordionist – joined Jowls and began to perform “Stairway to Heaven”, to the dismay of the crowd.

Fellow partygoer and friend of Mr. Newman, Charlie Pelowski, commented, “I hate douchebags who play ‘Stairway to Heaven’ at parties.  They just do it because they think they’re going to get laid.”

Another attendee had similar sentiments towards the band and choice of music.  Asa Mair, a 24 year-old student from North Carolina, said, “I play guitar as well.  ‘Stairway To Heaven’ might be a classic, but any guitarist who’s played long enough can get it right.  Jasper’s just being drunk ass and a diva.  He needs to cool out, sober up, and realize he’s playing this kid’s birthday party – not auditioning for “America’s Got Talent” or anything.  This party sucks anyways.  No beer or chicks.  I’m out of here.”

The mood of the crowd turned sour as the song progressed, with some angry parents booing and yelling at the band to play “Happy Birthday” for Chad, who was crying along with many other of his friends over the apparent failure of a party it had become.  Unhappy with the outcome of the event, a small riot broke out between the members of the Chuck E. Cheese Studio C band and several irate parents, causing several hundreds of dollars in damage.

Tables were broken, Pasqually’s accordion was taken and destroyed by one patron, stage decorations, party favors, and chairs were thrown about.  Many children attending the birthday party scattered to hide in the arcade to avoid an intoxicated Jasper Jowls wielding his guitar as a battering instrument.

Luckily, State Trooper Jerry Peters was nearby, just having finished lunch at the Hooters next door.  Upon leaving the restaurant famous for its chicken wings, officer Peters noticed several patrons running out of the Chuck E. Cheese’s in a panicked manner and quickly ran to see if anything was awry.

To his surprise, the once pristine Chuck E. Cheese looked like a war zone, according to Peters.  “I’m a former Marine who’s been to Iraq, and stepping inside gave me flashbacks to some really intense Baghdad hotspots where I engaged in battles with heavy artillery fire.  My instincts automatically kicked in and I just went into ‘Beast Mode.’”

The main instigator appeared to be a belligerently intoxicated Jasper T. Jowls, who was violently wielding his guitar and demolishing anything in his way, according to officer Peters.  Peters authoritatively commanded Jowls to cease and desist, but Jowls refused and instead ran towards Peters to strike him with the guitar.  Officer Peters caught the neck of the guitar with one hand, threw it aside, and subdued a frightened Jasper Jowls in one fell swoop.  The officer then handcuffed the Chuck E. Cheese’s Studio C band member and put him in the back of the patrol car.

Several parents thanked the State Trooper for his bravery, feeling grateful and lucky that he just happened to be next door, and from keeping the fiasco of a birthday party from turning into a real tragedy.

“I’m just here to serve and protect, and keep the peace.  But when someone decides they want to step out of line and act up, they know that they will be the new owners of some brand new shiny bracelets,” said officer Peters as he swung a pair of handcuffs around his finger.

No serious injuries were reported, and the management was unable to comment on the situation due to a pending investigation from Chuck E. Cheese’s corporate headquarters.

Maybe you should NOT try this at home.